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confide entirely

I came across this quote the other day and it made me stop and think and wonder if the same is true in my life? I’ve given it a good thinking for the past several days and  I’m still not sure.  I think for me the faith part has certainly been a growing and a stretching as I had no idea I would need God as much as my entire being relys on Him these days. I tend (*cough) to be extremely independent. Those who know me well can testify to this. Those who know me even better know how I asked for an alarm clock for Christmas when I was 4 so I could wake up all by myself.  Or how I wanted my mom to teach me how to ride a two wheeler, but she was busy with something and told me she could come outside in 30 minutes.  I’m not sure how long it took me, but it was less than thirty minutes when my sass-a-frass five year old self marched back in our house and announced that there was no need for her to come, I had already taught myself. Whew! Mom, Dad, I have no idea how you survived me, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be eternally gradeful to Dr. James Dobson for surviving my childhood. That said, independence and reliance on anything or anyone or God doesn’t necessarily come as easily to me as it may to others.

But God knows this. He made me, and when He did, he knew that my fierce ‘can do’-ed-ness would help me to accomplish a great many things on this to do list called life. It would also help me survive some pretty gnarly experiences and navigate difficult relationships with resiliency and grace. BUT He also knew that I would take a big kick in the pants with this adoption, and that I would feel defeated, and hopeless, and lost, and a million other emotions all at the same time.  And that I would need to learn to rely on Him. Sometimes that’s through a friend, sometimes that’s through prayer, sometimes a quiet moment by the sea; nonetheless, these sometimes moments all began to add up and little by little He drew out of me a characteristic that was quite uncharacteristic of me-reliance in the form of faith.

I’ve learned to really believe the Bible when it says that God will care for me, that he knows the plans He’s laid out for me–that there are plans in the first place.  I’ve also learned that God really does use problems and pain as a refining fire on our lives.  I’m here to testify that it is no fun at all. But by showing me glimpses of His story, I’m learning to lean on Him, and turn over the keys to my life. You see, if the adoption had gone through in July of 2009, I would never know the joy of having Caleb in my life. I also wouldn’t have ever (most likely) ever considered adopting two children as a single 30 year old mom.  I can see a bigger story, and for that I am so thankful. It shows me glimpses of light on my path that has been dark for so, so long. I like to imagine these as glimpses as tealights hanging from the forrest trees as I walk by them.  Giving off just enough light for me to make it a little bit further down the path, but not enough for me to see the entire journey.

So here I am tonight. Sitting at my computer after a great weekend of playing with Caleb, expectantly waiting for the paperwork to come through for my other son and to get the call that says, come, he is waiting for you. I believe it will come.  But I also believe that God is in ultimate control of this situation and that I can rest in knowing He knows what I do not.  I do not know the when of all of this, and yet, somehow, my control-freak-esh-ness is not freaking out. I think this is a gift. The peace that I feel is truly a gift from the Lord.  It is a peace I have not known for a very, very long time. I welcome it like a warm blanket and a good book on a cold winter day.

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